(dino)Sore Loser

Dinosaurs easily topped last week's poll of the Best Pre-War Historical Bone Outs. For readers unfamiliar with our relatively esoteric terminology, a Bone Out is defined as a premature or hasty exit from a location or situation. A derivative of the Greek deus ex bonea, the phrase originally referred to the ascension of a god figure from the mortal realm to the ethereal Mount Olympus in Hellenistic tragedies. But I digress. I would like to commend our readers for recognizing the dinosaur as the Gold Standard of Bone Outs. In this category, it's hard to beat a good extinction.

But there is dissension in the ranks here at S.O.F. This particular poll seems to have ruffled the feathers of my already generally disgruntled colleague, Adam Petherbridge. Perhaps it's just his way of expressing himself or maybe it has something to do with his recent trip to Bible Camp, but Mr. Petherbridge has declared that dinosaurs never existed. Instead, he stalwartly insists that these primordial kings of the megacontinent are nothing but inventions of fantasy falsely placed atop the dais of scientific fact by the likes of Teddy Roosevelt, Jeff Goldblum, and Dr. Ross Geller.

Shocking, non?

All fundamentalism aside, Mr. Petherbridge's claim is unsettling on an integral level. What kind of world would this be if dinosaurs had not paved the way for us? And, if dinosaurs are but liberal apparitions of fancy, what else is called into question? Will we once again find ourselves sailing off the edge of the Earth or playing a lighthearted game of Drown the Witch? Luckily, these fears are unfounded as the legacy of the dinosaur is everywhere, enriching modern society and keeping haughty human beings grounded in their amoebic roots. Mr. Petherbridge, I say that your wanton claims are not only wrong but irreverent and irresponsible.

And so, I submit a brief yet thorough Defense of the Dinosaur:

The crux of the opposing argument rests in the fact that we cannot see dinosaurs in the physical forms they used to embody. I concede, this is true. However, the stamp of the dinosaurs runs the length of history up through and beyond today. Surely they look differently now than they did when Africa was connected to Florida, but what doesn't? The dinosaur has reinvented himself time and time again in order to keep up with an ever-changing natural, social, political, and economic global climate. When Raptors and Triceratops(es) freely roamed the Earth, it was a different time. They could be bigger and badder and rip each other apart without disrupting a larger order. But, just as the Suburban is a thing of the past and Poison is lucky to get a gig at a Harley Davidson dealership, the bubble must burst and a downsize is inevitable. It is for this reason that the modern day dino exists as a less conspicuous, gentrified version of his former self. But exist he certainly does.

As soon as the eye is trained to spot the dinosaurs of today, it becomes clear that they really are all around. My television set is filled with dinosaurs. Just look at that wily Geico Gecko. I may not be a scientist, but I do have eyeballs and and that scaly little specimen is undoubtedly carrying a torch for the Jurassic Age. Furthermore, I refuse to believe that an insurance giant like Geico would invest millions of dollars in an advertising campaign based on a creature with the evolutionary clout of a unicorn or a chimera or Splash. To question the integrity of big business is unnecessary and un-American. Insurance lenders have been nothing but pillars of moral rectitude and what they say goes. Read a newspaper.

Furthermore, to deny the existence of dinosaurs is to write off the undeniable footprint these prehistoric wonders have left on the English language. The commanding oratorical fireworks of the dinosaur are well documented in such films as The Land Before Time (v. I-IV) and Fern Gully. But these examples are superfluous, really. The real proof of the dino's profound lingual legacy rests no further than on your bookshelf, sir. It's called a thesaurus for a reason.

In short, I understand the lure of Creationism. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than identifying with Jane Goodall's crowd of dirty apes. Yet, proof of the proud lineage of the dinosaur is overwhelming to the point of obvious and, as such, evolution simply cannot be denied.

Finally, if dinosaurs do not exist, then, Mr. Petherbridge, how do you explain this?:

ROAR!

AHF