The Great D(eye)no(sore)

"If it is a miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a fact, proof is necessary"

~Mark Twain

(AP) "Proof." In a society that has departed almost entirely from the theocracy from which it was born and moved well into the "age of reason," what term carries more meaning? With it, OJ Simpson may well have avoided his recent prison sentence in favor of a much longer one. Without it, the entire mathematical curricula of high schools and colleges throughout the world would be irrelevant, rendering countless chalkboards empty and an entire section of the SAT stricken from the record.

So when I hear these outrageous citations of so called "proof" by my colleague that the existence of dinosaurs is provable on this publication, which carries the burden of proof within its title, I must make some effort to save the pride of this once glorious news source. I expected more than Gary Busey and phonetics in Ms. Fallon's attempt to convince me that the existence of dinosaurs could be reasonably proven by an indicidual, and here I am to settle the score: It is impossible for one to prove that dinosaurs existed.

For starters let me present the story dino-hard-enthusiasts have come up with: a group of cold-blooded reptiles of all shapes and colors roamed the earth millions of years ago and then bit the proverbial dust almost all at once, leaving us with nothing but there remains. The event which brought about the demise is not clear, but it wiped them all out 65 million years ago, a date known as the K-T boundary.

Now allow me to dissect these "facts"







Here you see two photos of rocks. "Thanks, Adam, I didn't realize those were rocks." "Hush, let me get to the point."

Which of these two photos depicts dinosaur bones? Exactly. So-called "dinosaur bones" are not bones, but rocks. When individuals stumble upon them unwittingly, they have rarely, if ever, identified them as fossils without the help of experts. Experts, the authorities we appoint to decide what is what in science based on a ratio of wall-space-taken-up-by-collegiate-degree : addiction to nasal spray.

In 1912 a group of experts unearthed what was thought to be the missing link in human evolution. In 1953 the Piltdown Man was exposed as a hoax. If a 40,000 yr old fossil can be forged before it has completely fossilized, how hard can it be to fake a dinosaur?

2.- This weekend in New York City, a 9-foot tall Dryosaurus failed to sell at auction, even for the expected $500K. Adjusting for inflation, he must have been worth roughly $0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
when he was supposedly alive. And you claim to honor these behemoths of yore? Tusk tusk(puns intended) Anne Fallon.

C) In the Jurassic Park series, the trilogy responsible for most of the corpus of prehistoric knowledge present in the average person, it is asserted that Velociraptors would have taken over the world, perhaps even created a civilization if time had allowed. Now it could be just me, but I just don't see how any quantity of intelligence in a cold-blooded species that needs several hours a day in the sun just to live can result in a dominant world culture. Laziness does not breed ingenuity.

Finally, I again cite my show business colleagues at Jurassic Park Studios. This time in the form of one phrase by Dr. Ian Malcolm, aptly played by Jeff Goldblum: "Life...uh...finds a way." How astute I must say, after all, Dinosaurs did give us birds, crocodiles, alligators, and apparently Geckos, right? WRONG. They went extinct. Didn't they? Isn't that what you're saying happened? Dinosaur evolution and extinction are a contradiction in terms. And you claim science stands by you.

"No way of thinking or doing, however ancient, can be trusted without proof"

~Henry David Thoreau

If Oprah’s Talking About It, We’re All Talking About It

The following report is brought to you by Becky Ramsay, S.O.F Entertainment News Correspondent. Ramsay is a Chicago-based writer, actor and avid student of celebrity smut. Her areas of expertise include how to look good at any age and everything your man wants to say but isn't telling you.

We heard the headlines, we saw the picture, and we were all ready to TiVo their performance at the Grammy’s, but you better buckle up and pay attention because this is only the beginning. We have met the Whitney and Bobby of our generation. Chris Brown and Rihanna are on the fast track to following in the footsteps of two of the biggest disasters the world has ever seen. Throw in a couple of addictions, a Bravo reality show, a tell-all Barbara Walters special, and you’re in Whitney and Bobby Town. Albeit, it is your prerogative to head down such a path, you better have a better exit strategy.

HRH Oprah has even taken it upon herself to get involved. Last week, with the help of (former) supermodel Tyra Banks, Oprah dedicated an entire show to the Chris Brown/ Rihanna incident, expanding on to the subject of teen violence in relationships. It there’s one thing we all know for sure: If Oprah’s talking about it, we’re all talking about it.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. How did we get here? Let us consider these facts that may or may not be loosely based on lives of Chris Brown and Rihanna. You know the drill: Small town girl with nothing but a penny in her pocket and a big voice to share has only her hopes and dreams to keep her warm at night. Blah, blah blah. Young southern boy rapper/dancer waits for his big break while his mother manages him out of their basement, both dealing with the deadbeat dad who sometimes “gets a little rough.” One good break after another and we’ve got two teens with success coming out their noses. A chance meeting at an MTV after party and sparks fly, records go platinum, and we’ve got a hot new item for the tabloids. “Rihanna and Chris Go Surfing!” “Chris and Rihanna Eat Pizza!” “Rihanna Shops For Her Man,” and so on… There’s just one little question: What are they going to do with all of that fame? Sooner or later, it’s going to get to you. Pressure to perform, pressure to sustain, the pressure to say "Cheese!” and look good while doing it. There’s only so much a person can take. And by person, I mean Chris Brown.

The rest is history. No one will ever really know what happened on the night of Sunday, February 8th 2009, other than bloody Coldplay winning the Grammy for album of the year. 19-year-old Chris Brown was charged with two felony counts for assault and making criminal threats. His case is due back in court on April 6 for his arraignment, at which time he could enter a plea. He has also already come out and apologized, claiming to be seeking counseling from his church and others. Brown even went as far as to withdraw his nominations from Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice awards, where he was nominated for Favorite Song and Favorite Male Actor. This is probably for the best. We wouldn’t want Brown loosing his cool on stage after getting slimmed by Dakota Fanning, who, I am sure, has enticed more than her fair share of people to punch her in the face.

The good news is Chris Brown and Rihanna aren’t married. The bad news is Chris Brown and Rihanna Aren’t married YET. I’m sure twenty years ago Whitney Houston was thinking the same thing. No one thinks they’ll marry the guy with the criminal record. Whitney probably also never thought the overwhelming and timeless success of her ballad “ I will Always Love You,” would eventually lead to her downfall, not only as a respected singer, but simply as a credible and sane human being. Again, there's only so much one person can take.

The difference is that Whitney got out. It took her some time and probably some serious detoxification, but she’s a survivor. She’s not currently planning on recording a duet with her allegedly abusive boyfriend about the trials and tribulations of love. Even she is not that crazy.

So Rihanna, I’ve just got one thing to say to you:

The proof is in the pudding. There is nothing alleged about those bruises on your face. Don’t go there. We’ve seen it all before. You don’t have to marry this guy, you don’t have to stand by your man, and you don’t have to sing any duets with Mariah Carey if you don’t want to. We’re here to back you up. You’ve got miles to go and we don’t want to be holding our breath for the premiere Lifetime original movie, SOS: Someone Help Me- The True Story of Rihanna and Chris Brown. Brown obviously being portrayed by the artist formerly known as L’il Bow Wow and you in your first self-titled debut role.

Look, this story isn’t going anywhere soon, and neither are we. In fact your headlines could probably only be trumped by a budding Lindsay Lohan /Miley Cyrus romance caught on tape. But in short, we’re here for you, girl. Come rain or shine, despite all that has been said and done- there will always be room for you under my umbrella, ella, ella, ey, ey, ey.

(dino)Sore Loser

Dinosaurs easily topped last week's poll of the Best Pre-War Historical Bone Outs. For readers unfamiliar with our relatively esoteric terminology, a Bone Out is defined as a premature or hasty exit from a location or situation. A derivative of the Greek deus ex bonea, the phrase originally referred to the ascension of a god figure from the mortal realm to the ethereal Mount Olympus in Hellenistic tragedies. But I digress. I would like to commend our readers for recognizing the dinosaur as the Gold Standard of Bone Outs. In this category, it's hard to beat a good extinction.

But there is dissension in the ranks here at S.O.F. This particular poll seems to have ruffled the feathers of my already generally disgruntled colleague, Adam Petherbridge. Perhaps it's just his way of expressing himself or maybe it has something to do with his recent trip to Bible Camp, but Mr. Petherbridge has declared that dinosaurs never existed. Instead, he stalwartly insists that these primordial kings of the megacontinent are nothing but inventions of fantasy falsely placed atop the dais of scientific fact by the likes of Teddy Roosevelt, Jeff Goldblum, and Dr. Ross Geller.

Shocking, non?

All fundamentalism aside, Mr. Petherbridge's claim is unsettling on an integral level. What kind of world would this be if dinosaurs had not paved the way for us? And, if dinosaurs are but liberal apparitions of fancy, what else is called into question? Will we once again find ourselves sailing off the edge of the Earth or playing a lighthearted game of Drown the Witch? Luckily, these fears are unfounded as the legacy of the dinosaur is everywhere, enriching modern society and keeping haughty human beings grounded in their amoebic roots. Mr. Petherbridge, I say that your wanton claims are not only wrong but irreverent and irresponsible.

And so, I submit a brief yet thorough Defense of the Dinosaur:

The crux of the opposing argument rests in the fact that we cannot see dinosaurs in the physical forms they used to embody. I concede, this is true. However, the stamp of the dinosaurs runs the length of history up through and beyond today. Surely they look differently now than they did when Africa was connected to Florida, but what doesn't? The dinosaur has reinvented himself time and time again in order to keep up with an ever-changing natural, social, political, and economic global climate. When Raptors and Triceratops(es) freely roamed the Earth, it was a different time. They could be bigger and badder and rip each other apart without disrupting a larger order. But, just as the Suburban is a thing of the past and Poison is lucky to get a gig at a Harley Davidson dealership, the bubble must burst and a downsize is inevitable. It is for this reason that the modern day dino exists as a less conspicuous, gentrified version of his former self. But exist he certainly does.

As soon as the eye is trained to spot the dinosaurs of today, it becomes clear that they really are all around. My television set is filled with dinosaurs. Just look at that wily Geico Gecko. I may not be a scientist, but I do have eyeballs and and that scaly little specimen is undoubtedly carrying a torch for the Jurassic Age. Furthermore, I refuse to believe that an insurance giant like Geico would invest millions of dollars in an advertising campaign based on a creature with the evolutionary clout of a unicorn or a chimera or Splash. To question the integrity of big business is unnecessary and un-American. Insurance lenders have been nothing but pillars of moral rectitude and what they say goes. Read a newspaper.

Furthermore, to deny the existence of dinosaurs is to write off the undeniable footprint these prehistoric wonders have left on the English language. The commanding oratorical fireworks of the dinosaur are well documented in such films as The Land Before Time (v. I-IV) and Fern Gully. But these examples are superfluous, really. The real proof of the dino's profound lingual legacy rests no further than on your bookshelf, sir. It's called a thesaurus for a reason.

In short, I understand the lure of Creationism. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than identifying with Jane Goodall's crowd of dirty apes. Yet, proof of the proud lineage of the dinosaur is overwhelming to the point of obvious and, as such, evolution simply cannot be denied.

Finally, if dinosaurs do not exist, then, Mr. Petherbridge, how do you explain this?:

ROAR!

AHF

World War Baseball Classic III

We at Smatter of Fact belive in the value of diverse opinions(unless we don't share them). So every now and then we like to outsource stories to those we believe are closest to them. These correspondents will join us a few times a month for everything from celebrity gossip to relationship advice, and all in the hard-hitting style you've come to expect from Smatteroffact.com

This week's column comes from our Sports Correspondent, Tones Masterson. With years of experience playing and writing in the baseball and sports world he has been left battered, literally and literally, and is just in the right state of mind to bring you the sports you crave.

With the economy in shambles and your 401(k) worth slightly more than a punch in the crotch, it’s easy to understand if Americans are a little preoccupied with their own problems.

But amidst these turbulent times of financial uncertainty, an international war is being waged. Like every other battle we, as a country, have fought since World War II, the combat is unconventional and the soldiers are once again battling to prove their country’s supremacy over their foreign oppressors. This war, however, is being fought under the clever guise of an international baseball competition. The bullets have been replaced by baseballs and wooden bats have once again become the weapon of choice for the men along the front lines

Yes, I am speaking of the World Baseball Classic. Or should I say, World War III? No? I should say World Baseball Classic? If I must.

The breadth of this battle extends far beyond anything we have ever seen in our history of foreign combat. USA vs. Germany? Please, ‘twas little more than a misunderstanding compared to our current situation.

Sixteen countries began the wartime campaign over a week ago and only eight remain. The attrition rate of once proud nations is absolutely staggering. Where only nine days ago they stood and proclaimed to the world that they would not go quietly into the good night, that they would not go down without a fight, the walking wounded of such cavalier countries as Italy, Australia, South Africa, Canada, Panama, China, and the Dominican Republic have quietly returned to their respective countries.

But there would be no parade for these fallen heroes, only shame and bitter disappointment at their failure to represent their nation in a war that, by definition, should end all wars.

As I stare out over the ghastly field that once held the dreams of so many earnest young men, I am left with only the consolation that America, the nation of my birth, still remains in the final field of eight. Joining these renegade patriots on the pasture of battle are Japan, Cuba, Puerto Rico, the Netherlands, Korea, Mexico, and Venezuela. Each nation believes their chances are strongest to emerge victorious from the smoky gunfire, but are their optimistic dispositions warranted? And how do they stack up against our fearless American fighters?

Japan: The Americans are hoping they will not have to react so strongly this time around with the Japanese. You can bet their last meeting will be in the back of the Japanese players’ minds when they step onto the field.

Cuba: A longtime nemesis of the United States, Cuba won’t need any outside help from the Russians to pull off this upset. A powerful lineup of relative unknowns could derail any hope the Americans possess, but with the battles being held in Miami and San Diego, don’t be surprised if some of the Cuban soldiers defect from their home country once they land on our shores and experience the wonders of the brand new Taco Bell value menu.

Puerto Rico: A protectorate of the United States (which they better not forget), these men are apparently still a bit miffed about their lack of representation in our highest levels of government. A defeat of the Americans, however, might leave the tiny island isolated from any outside aid in future battles.

The Netherlands: A surprise addition to the field of eight, the Netherlands showed grit and determination in knocking off the much more powerful Dominican nation in their initial assault. The question will be, will they have enough firepower left to take on the world’s most almighty republics?

Korea: Living in the shadow of Japan can have its advantages. On one hand, Japan’s might can overwhelm you in many areas (their mathematical precision is utterly astounding), but on the other hand, it can also lead other nations to underestimate the army your country has been forming since a crushing defeat at the hands of the United States in the mid-1950s.

Mexico: This country sure can use their lumber in an effective manner, but take away their big guns and el Dia de los Muertos could come early this year.

Venezuela: The only country to knock back the United States in the opening battle, this country’s will is strong. Look for them to take pages out of the book of their Columbian neighbors and attack their adversaries with guerilla-like advances.
My prediction?

Last time I checked baseball, like war, is America’s national pastime. We invented it. We perfected it. We dominated it.

Now, we just need to reclaim the fire our forefathers once possessed when they founded this great country. This international battle would never have been waged without America and it damn well will not end with us vanquished by an inferior foe. The United States shall rise and reclaim what is rightfully theirs.

Go America.

The Grapes of Math

(AP) There's an IBM commercial running these days that lauds the abilities "math" possesses to make the world a better place. From traffic improvements to fixing the economy, a series of smart-looking people presents the viewer with the idea that "math" can make everything better, even smarter. In fact "let's build a smarter planet" is the tag-line for the piece, and something I've been saying since MTV (that's MUSIC Television, for the lay-person) stopped playing music and instead turned its focus and finances to the ever-so-interesting lives of over-privileged West Coast youths. So I, for one, am ready to sign on the dotted line. But I don't see any queues being formed outside my local IBM, as eager hordes gather to get their first glimpse at "math's" wonders...

It could certainly be some combination of the facts that;

a) Traffic is horrible in any town with more than five cars,
b) The American economy makes Titanic look like an uplifting film
and, c) A sandwich costs 3 dollars more in NYC than in Pennsylvania

that leave most skeptic at the powers of "math." If the lofty claims IBM makes towards "math's" capabilities stand up to the truth test, then how come they have not been exploited as of yet? Why wait around to fix traffic, why tease the nation that financial ethics lost with the promise of "math" and reasonably priced lunches without actually putting the proverbial money where the proverbial mouth is? Someone must know something we Joe and Jane Schmoes don't or surely we would all be sitting high on our thrones drinking ice-cold "Math"onade. In fact, there seems to be a much more expansive agenda being pushed than a 30-second commercial is normally equipped for.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I present exhibit A: George Orwell's 1984, the classic tale of the plight of the idealistic few against the dystopic many. A tale of a fictitious future in which everything has been "math"ed to a T, where there are no surprises and everyone operates in robot-like harmony towards the common goal of societal greatness. Everyone except for our heroes of course, who battle against this "math" society towards free will; after all, if it's good enough for God to allow...

A battle that exists in the psyche of the real world as well, after all it was IBM's Deep Blue computer that in 1997 beat World Chess Champion Garry Kasparov, proving for all time that machines are not only out to get us, but are indeed smarter than us already, probably waiting to ambush us at any moment so WATCH YOUR BACK!

But.

Is this really what is bothering us? Perhaps it is more accurate to say that most people don't like doing math and are therefore less apt to accept its merits. Perhaps IBM is trying to win back our trust(and I don't mean the trust lost after the 2001 book that accused IBM of supporting the Third Reich). Perhaps they are trying to pull us from the depths of Orwellian math illiteracy and in to the light of technology. Perhaps we have been trying so hard to avoid 1984 that we forgot the PC was made available to the public three years prior, in 1981.

So let's forget our differences and shake hands with technology, so that public transportation can run on time and our economy's ills can be cured with the click of a mouse

But most importantly, so that I can pay a reasonable price for Roast Beef on Rye.