(dino)Sore Loser

Dinosaurs easily topped last week's poll of the Best Pre-War Historical Bone Outs. For readers unfamiliar with our relatively esoteric terminology, a Bone Out is defined as a premature or hasty exit from a location or situation. A derivative of the Greek deus ex bonea, the phrase originally referred to the ascension of a god figure from the mortal realm to the ethereal Mount Olympus in Hellenistic tragedies. But I digress. I would like to commend our readers for recognizing the dinosaur as the Gold Standard of Bone Outs. In this category, it's hard to beat a good extinction.

But there is dissension in the ranks here at S.O.F. This particular poll seems to have ruffled the feathers of my already generally disgruntled colleague, Adam Petherbridge. Perhaps it's just his way of expressing himself or maybe it has something to do with his recent trip to Bible Camp, but Mr. Petherbridge has declared that dinosaurs never existed. Instead, he stalwartly insists that these primordial kings of the megacontinent are nothing but inventions of fantasy falsely placed atop the dais of scientific fact by the likes of Teddy Roosevelt, Jeff Goldblum, and Dr. Ross Geller.

Shocking, non?

All fundamentalism aside, Mr. Petherbridge's claim is unsettling on an integral level. What kind of world would this be if dinosaurs had not paved the way for us? And, if dinosaurs are but liberal apparitions of fancy, what else is called into question? Will we once again find ourselves sailing off the edge of the Earth or playing a lighthearted game of Drown the Witch? Luckily, these fears are unfounded as the legacy of the dinosaur is everywhere, enriching modern society and keeping haughty human beings grounded in their amoebic roots. Mr. Petherbridge, I say that your wanton claims are not only wrong but irreverent and irresponsible.

And so, I submit a brief yet thorough Defense of the Dinosaur:

The crux of the opposing argument rests in the fact that we cannot see dinosaurs in the physical forms they used to embody. I concede, this is true. However, the stamp of the dinosaurs runs the length of history up through and beyond today. Surely they look differently now than they did when Africa was connected to Florida, but what doesn't? The dinosaur has reinvented himself time and time again in order to keep up with an ever-changing natural, social, political, and economic global climate. When Raptors and Triceratops(es) freely roamed the Earth, it was a different time. They could be bigger and badder and rip each other apart without disrupting a larger order. But, just as the Suburban is a thing of the past and Poison is lucky to get a gig at a Harley Davidson dealership, the bubble must burst and a downsize is inevitable. It is for this reason that the modern day dino exists as a less conspicuous, gentrified version of his former self. But exist he certainly does.

As soon as the eye is trained to spot the dinosaurs of today, it becomes clear that they really are all around. My television set is filled with dinosaurs. Just look at that wily Geico Gecko. I may not be a scientist, but I do have eyeballs and and that scaly little specimen is undoubtedly carrying a torch for the Jurassic Age. Furthermore, I refuse to believe that an insurance giant like Geico would invest millions of dollars in an advertising campaign based on a creature with the evolutionary clout of a unicorn or a chimera or Splash. To question the integrity of big business is unnecessary and un-American. Insurance lenders have been nothing but pillars of moral rectitude and what they say goes. Read a newspaper.

Furthermore, to deny the existence of dinosaurs is to write off the undeniable footprint these prehistoric wonders have left on the English language. The commanding oratorical fireworks of the dinosaur are well documented in such films as The Land Before Time (v. I-IV) and Fern Gully. But these examples are superfluous, really. The real proof of the dino's profound lingual legacy rests no further than on your bookshelf, sir. It's called a thesaurus for a reason.

In short, I understand the lure of Creationism. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than identifying with Jane Goodall's crowd of dirty apes. Yet, proof of the proud lineage of the dinosaur is overwhelming to the point of obvious and, as such, evolution simply cannot be denied.

Finally, if dinosaurs do not exist, then, Mr. Petherbridge, how do you explain this?:

ROAR!

AHF

World War Baseball Classic III

We at Smatter of Fact belive in the value of diverse opinions(unless we don't share them). So every now and then we like to outsource stories to those we believe are closest to them. These correspondents will join us a few times a month for everything from celebrity gossip to relationship advice, and all in the hard-hitting style you've come to expect from Smatteroffact.com

This week's column comes from our Sports Correspondent, Tones Masterson. With years of experience playing and writing in the baseball and sports world he has been left battered, literally and literally, and is just in the right state of mind to bring you the sports you crave.

With the economy in shambles and your 401(k) worth slightly more than a punch in the crotch, it’s easy to understand if Americans are a little preoccupied with their own problems.

But amidst these turbulent times of financial uncertainty, an international war is being waged. Like every other battle we, as a country, have fought since World War II, the combat is unconventional and the soldiers are once again battling to prove their country’s supremacy over their foreign oppressors. This war, however, is being fought under the clever guise of an international baseball competition. The bullets have been replaced by baseballs and wooden bats have once again become the weapon of choice for the men along the front lines

Yes, I am speaking of the World Baseball Classic. Or should I say, World War III? No? I should say World Baseball Classic? If I must.

The breadth of this battle extends far beyond anything we have ever seen in our history of foreign combat. USA vs. Germany? Please, ‘twas little more than a misunderstanding compared to our current situation.

Sixteen countries began the wartime campaign over a week ago and only eight remain. The attrition rate of once proud nations is absolutely staggering. Where only nine days ago they stood and proclaimed to the world that they would not go quietly into the good night, that they would not go down without a fight, the walking wounded of such cavalier countries as Italy, Australia, South Africa, Canada, Panama, China, and the Dominican Republic have quietly returned to their respective countries.

But there would be no parade for these fallen heroes, only shame and bitter disappointment at their failure to represent their nation in a war that, by definition, should end all wars.

As I stare out over the ghastly field that once held the dreams of so many earnest young men, I am left with only the consolation that America, the nation of my birth, still remains in the final field of eight. Joining these renegade patriots on the pasture of battle are Japan, Cuba, Puerto Rico, the Netherlands, Korea, Mexico, and Venezuela. Each nation believes their chances are strongest to emerge victorious from the smoky gunfire, but are their optimistic dispositions warranted? And how do they stack up against our fearless American fighters?

Japan: The Americans are hoping they will not have to react so strongly this time around with the Japanese. You can bet their last meeting will be in the back of the Japanese players’ minds when they step onto the field.

Cuba: A longtime nemesis of the United States, Cuba won’t need any outside help from the Russians to pull off this upset. A powerful lineup of relative unknowns could derail any hope the Americans possess, but with the battles being held in Miami and San Diego, don’t be surprised if some of the Cuban soldiers defect from their home country once they land on our shores and experience the wonders of the brand new Taco Bell value menu.

Puerto Rico: A protectorate of the United States (which they better not forget), these men are apparently still a bit miffed about their lack of representation in our highest levels of government. A defeat of the Americans, however, might leave the tiny island isolated from any outside aid in future battles.

The Netherlands: A surprise addition to the field of eight, the Netherlands showed grit and determination in knocking off the much more powerful Dominican nation in their initial assault. The question will be, will they have enough firepower left to take on the world’s most almighty republics?

Korea: Living in the shadow of Japan can have its advantages. On one hand, Japan’s might can overwhelm you in many areas (their mathematical precision is utterly astounding), but on the other hand, it can also lead other nations to underestimate the army your country has been forming since a crushing defeat at the hands of the United States in the mid-1950s.

Mexico: This country sure can use their lumber in an effective manner, but take away their big guns and el Dia de los Muertos could come early this year.

Venezuela: The only country to knock back the United States in the opening battle, this country’s will is strong. Look for them to take pages out of the book of their Columbian neighbors and attack their adversaries with guerilla-like advances.
My prediction?

Last time I checked baseball, like war, is America’s national pastime. We invented it. We perfected it. We dominated it.

Now, we just need to reclaim the fire our forefathers once possessed when they founded this great country. This international battle would never have been waged without America and it damn well will not end with us vanquished by an inferior foe. The United States shall rise and reclaim what is rightfully theirs.

Go America.

The Grapes of Math

(AP) There's an IBM commercial running these days that lauds the abilities "math" possesses to make the world a better place. From traffic improvements to fixing the economy, a series of smart-looking people presents the viewer with the idea that "math" can make everything better, even smarter. In fact "let's build a smarter planet" is the tag-line for the piece, and something I've been saying since MTV (that's MUSIC Television, for the lay-person) stopped playing music and instead turned its focus and finances to the ever-so-interesting lives of over-privileged West Coast youths. So I, for one, am ready to sign on the dotted line. But I don't see any queues being formed outside my local IBM, as eager hordes gather to get their first glimpse at "math's" wonders...

It could certainly be some combination of the facts that;

a) Traffic is horrible in any town with more than five cars,
b) The American economy makes Titanic look like an uplifting film
and, c) A sandwich costs 3 dollars more in NYC than in Pennsylvania

that leave most skeptic at the powers of "math." If the lofty claims IBM makes towards "math's" capabilities stand up to the truth test, then how come they have not been exploited as of yet? Why wait around to fix traffic, why tease the nation that financial ethics lost with the promise of "math" and reasonably priced lunches without actually putting the proverbial money where the proverbial mouth is? Someone must know something we Joe and Jane Schmoes don't or surely we would all be sitting high on our thrones drinking ice-cold "Math"onade. In fact, there seems to be a much more expansive agenda being pushed than a 30-second commercial is normally equipped for.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I present exhibit A: George Orwell's 1984, the classic tale of the plight of the idealistic few against the dystopic many. A tale of a fictitious future in which everything has been "math"ed to a T, where there are no surprises and everyone operates in robot-like harmony towards the common goal of societal greatness. Everyone except for our heroes of course, who battle against this "math" society towards free will; after all, if it's good enough for God to allow...

A battle that exists in the psyche of the real world as well, after all it was IBM's Deep Blue computer that in 1997 beat World Chess Champion Garry Kasparov, proving for all time that machines are not only out to get us, but are indeed smarter than us already, probably waiting to ambush us at any moment so WATCH YOUR BACK!

But.

Is this really what is bothering us? Perhaps it is more accurate to say that most people don't like doing math and are therefore less apt to accept its merits. Perhaps IBM is trying to win back our trust(and I don't mean the trust lost after the 2001 book that accused IBM of supporting the Third Reich). Perhaps they are trying to pull us from the depths of Orwellian math illiteracy and in to the light of technology. Perhaps we have been trying so hard to avoid 1984 that we forgot the PC was made available to the public three years prior, in 1981.

So let's forget our differences and shake hands with technology, so that public transportation can run on time and our economy's ills can be cured with the click of a mouse

But most importantly, so that I can pay a reasonable price for Roast Beef on Rye.

Cross Your Heart and Hope to Die

Anthony Masterson has broken a promise for the last time.

In a moment he describes as "misguided," Masterson promised to join a group of college friends at Medieval Times, a Reformation-themed restaurant where diners are wowed by live jousting, dressage routines, and a hefty pile of salted meats.

The dinner outing marked a very special occasion, a (read: my) birthday, and attendance was mandatory. In an effort to discourage any last minute cancelations, the guests agreed to an unusual stipulation: All no-shows must retake the S.A.T.

"I knew I was in for it," Masterson admits in a phone interview on Thursday. The twenty-something's work schedule in Virginia delayed his arrival in New York by two hours; he did not stand a chance of making it to the joust. More than five years and one college degree later, and Masterson's fate was once again nestled in the hands of the College Board.

The test was administered the following morning; Masterson completed it in a little over two hours. "It was tougher this time around," he concedes. "Math is hard!"

The S.A.T is a roller coaster of emotional peaks and valleys for students of all ages. When the pencils are down and the battle is done, one timeless lesson still rings true: The S.A.T can change a man. When asked if he learned anything from his punishment, Masterson holds a long, thoughtful pause. "In many ways, I'm happy it happened. It made me think a lot about keeping my word. And, you know, about honor and justice and what it means to be a good human being. I'm thinking about becoming a teacher."

Luckily, he is not thinking about becoming a college freshman. Math and Verbal sections combined, Masterson scored a 960, well below the national average.

"Math is hard!"

AHF

Words, words, words

March 1, (AP)- 11:53 am: While the battle outside rages between the approaching spring and the bitter cold of the snowy city winter, in the Brooklyn Bridge Marriott I find myself in the throes of an equally fierce yet far more literal clash of titans.

The occasion is the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament, a two-day event in which the top 600-odd denizens of wordplay from the United States and the world thrust and parry along the x and y axes for a chance at trophies, cash prizes, and the respect and reverence of their fellow witcrackers. Today's menu consists of a three-course meal of division championships: the A, B, and C, in which the top three scorers from each division compete in front of the intellectually raucous crowd to complete a 60-word puzzle before the alotted 20 minutes are through. The same crossword is used for all three finals, the level of difficulty defined by the complexity of the clues(all edited by New York Times Crossword Editor Will Shortz, also the host of the ACPT).

As we wait for the doors to open, I talk with my step-sister, Katherine Bryant, 11-time participant at the ACPT. She has twice reached the finals, in the B and C divisions, and placed 10th overall and 1st in New England at this year's tournament. She explains the tournament system of points, tie-breakers, and timing while we mingle with some of her fellow contestants. I meet Dan Katz, this year's 5th overall and B division second place winner, and several other pilgrims to the verbal mecca that is ACPT. From age 14 to 86 every contestant is a character to behold. Some short, some tall, some quiet, some loud, some with glasses so thick they might be able to find new planets in our galaxy without the need for satellite images. Others are sporting the latest in Crossword Couture: scarves, hats, jackets, bags, all covered in crossword pattern print and begging to be filled in. I meet Kiran Kedlaya, with whom Katherine is year after year neck-in-neck with, or you might say word-for-word with, and Upstate division 2nd place winner Jennifer Turney and we head in to Salons C-E to behold the the main events and try our own hand at solving the final puzzle.

As we find seats close enough to the stage to follow along with the contestants and see who is making which mistake, I learn that although contestants compete with eachother every year, sometimes losing and sometimes winning, there is never animosity between them. Everyone is there to win through their own efforts, not because of another contestant's mistake or a grudge held over from a previous upset. Crosswords are a gentleman's game it seems, in which the ultimate outcome is nothing compared to the story that goes along with it.

Finally the contest begins, the C division finals first, and everyone in the audience is given copies of each puzzle. Katherine and Kiran grab A puzzles, Jennifer a B, while I reserve my efforts for the C puzzle, a Medium difficulty challenge. As papers are passed around like presents on Christmas morning, everyone is careful to keep them face down, lest they catch a glimpse of a clue early, skewing the results of their stopwatch timing. The start is called and the rustle of papers and pencils fills the room as everyone attacks their chosen puzzle with Hyena-like frenzy. On stage the three contestant begin, each holding the clues in one hand and a dry-erase marker in the others, careful not to erase the numbers in the squares as they double-check their entries. The cameras of Dinner: Impossible from the Food Network wander the room for reaction shots for the upcoming episode in which the chef is challenged with wordplay food items and an awards banquet to cater. Mark Dixon finishes first, followed closely by the only other woman in the top ten, Roberta Strauss, and third place honors go to Jerry Cordaro. In the crowd, Katherine has finished the A puzzle in 11 minutes and six seconds, and I finish my C-level puzzle in around 13 and a half minutes, not a shabby time I am led to believe by the more experienced puzzlers around me.

As each round advances, the crowd gets more and more involved, ooohing and aaahing at each answer the contestants write down. The contestants themselves listen to white noise tapes and wear noise-cancelling headphones as well to ensure they will not hear any answers from the crowd or be distracted from the task at hand. B division contestants Dan Katz, Dan Feyer, and Len Elliot attack the grid next, finishing with times of 7:08, 5:38, and 8:55, respectively. Mr. Feyer tied for first place with the three contestants in the A division finals, but was bumped to the B division through tie-breaker rules.

Had Boxing and Professional Wrestling announcer Michael Buffer been host, the entrance of Trip Payne, Tyler Hinman, and Francis Heaney would have been accompanied by loud music and "Let's get ready to rumbllllllllllle." Instead, the main event's commentary is supplied by the witty Neal Conan, recognizable by many as the host of NPR's Talk of the Nation. Tyler Hinman has won the competition 4 times in a row, and has a 40-game streak of perfection, not missing a single square in 5 years, unheard of at the ACPT. Trip is a crowd favorite, his huffs and puffs as he struggles Down and Across always good for a laugh or two. Francis, the relative new comer, has competed only once before in the A division finals.

As time begins, the crowd is transfixed on the puzzlers, who begin speeding around the grid, left to right, top to bottom, completing the clues with a speed that makes my completion of the C puzzle look like a square peg in a square hole accomplishment. At the 6:00 mark, Francis and Tyler are tied, and Trip is slightly behind, having not quite broken a section of the puzzle yet. At 9:00 Tyler corrects a mistake in the top right-hand corner, and the crowd breathes a sigh of relief along with the 24-year old defending champeen. At 9:31 Trip finishes first, and turns around just in time to see the gaping mouths of the audience that knows he has a mistake. He has written SLATE and ALLALONE rather than SKATE and ALKALINE. Oddly enough, Francis finished next at 12:50 with the same mistake, and now Tyler holds his destiny in his hands. If he makes one mistake he will be third, but if he can complete the puzzle before 20:00 runs up, he will be a 5-time champion; in the final round accuracy is first, time is second. Trip and Francis can only watch as Tyler struggles with two final squares, dancing around to ease the tension and hopefully jog his memory of words. At this point Tyler can see his competitors are finished, but being in a soundproof trance he has not heard the crowd noise of disappointment and the looks on the faces of the other two as they realize their mistakes. He thinks he has lost, and is trying only to finish the puzzle in the time alotted and avoid disqualification.

17:00 passes and the crowd begins to wonder if he will continue his perfect streak or fall at the mercy of Will Shortz's A-level clues. Finally, 18 seconds later, the light comes on in the attic and Tyler places his final letters. He turns around expecting a round of applause and the handshake of defeat, but is instead greeted with a standing ovation, and an excitement which I hear has not overtaken the crowd for the better part of 5 years, when Ellen Ripstein won after some 15-odd tries at the A finals. The formalities are taken care of as judges confirm the answers and review one last time the grids in front of them, and sure enough, Tyler Hinman is 5-time ACPT champion at age 24.

After lunch and the prize-awarding ceremony, at which the Katherine Bryant cheering squad made their presence known as she took the stage to receive her two trophies, I tell Katherine to make sure they hold the event in Brooklyn next year. "They're here for the long haul" she tells me.

Good news for me, because I am definitely Crossword crazy. See you next year, ACPT.