These Are a Few of my Favorite Springs

(AP) For most people, March 20th is just another of the well-worn days in history's repertoire; the day Napoleon began his 100-days rule in 1815, the day Einstein published his general theory of relativity in 1916, or maybe just another occasion to celebrate the 1602 founding of the Dutch East India company.

But to a select few in the Northern Hemisphere, the ancient cultures of Persia and Egypt, and in modern days plenty of hippies(known to science as naturoliacs) March 20th marks the first day of spring. The day is usually the occasion of the vernal equinox, from the latin for summer, equal, and night. In other words, the point at which day and night occupy the same amount of time in the 24-hour day, and from which the long nights of winter give way to the longer days of summer.

But perhaps, like the full moon, the turning of winter into spring has the power to make a much larger impression on us than the mere increase in sunscreen application. A short study of modern history reveals the true power of...

SPRING: CATALYST FOR REVOLUTION!

Yes, the history of modern civilization is riddled with the bullets of revolution, nearly all caused somehow by the mere presence of a symmetrical 24-hour day. 

Before the age of rapid inter-continental expansion revolution was almost entirely a matter of feudal rivalry, so we will skip over that and begin with the Cornish Rebellion of 1497. Dates aren't quite exact but it seems that in May a group of some 15,000 marched into Devon against King Henry's Tax Levy. Less than 20 years later a spring initiative by over 300,000 German and Swiss peasants, known as the Peasants' War, left a death toll of 100,000. That death toll would not be surpassed for almost 300 years.

And of course no discussion of revolt would be complete without a discussion of those masters of the coup: The Russians. 

• In 1682 the Moscow Uprising was triggered by the death of Feodor III on April 27.
• The Streltsy Uprising of 1698 caused the eventual execution of 1239 rebel soldiers until the year 1707.
• In April 1899 V.I. Lenin published "The Development of Capitalism in Russia," the beginning of the intellectual revolution known as communism.
  
• The February Revolution actually occurred in March on the Gregorian calendar

So it should come as no surprise to American Citizens, who know every major date in our nation's history, that even our revolution began with the battle of Lexington and Concord on April 19, 1775. And our more recent forefathers finally declared they had had enough of Japanese oppression in March of 1945 by firebombing Japan.

I caution you thusly, dear readers: be wary of the ides of March, not because of the "bad luck" associated with March 15th, but because every year the ides are simply the start to a five-day count down to the next major revolution. And as you bask in the coming spring, with all its verdure and romance, beware, for you, or a person you might know, may become enraged at any moment, and become the next victim of...

SPRING: CATALYST FOR REVOLUTION!!

Fleetwood (holy)Mac(kerel)

It has been a difficult two weeks.

Much like the Spanish Armada was for Elizabeth I and the Tet Offensive was for LBJ, March 19, 2009 marked a watershed moment in the life of this intrepid reporter.

The venue: Madison Square Garden. The time: 18:00. The occasion: Unleashed; A Night With Fleetwood Mac.

For our readers who do not share my enthusiasm for the heartbreakingly tempestuous yet wholly genius collaboration of Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, this night was to be my swan song. I had waited for months to gather under the lights and watch the legendary supergroup reunite before my eyes. At long last, the moment had arrived. I felt confident and well-prepared to take on this mind- and/or life-altering event.

There are certain experiences a person should keep to herself. This concert was one of those happenings. Just know this: I completely lost my mind and am forever changed.

And yet, the glory of those two hours has come with a heavy price, it seems. In the days following the concert, I was unable to shake a nagging feeling of nervous restlessness. It was unlike anything I had experienced before and, for someone familiar with chronic anxiety and general dissatisfaction, I found this disconcerting. After a solid twenty minutes of soul searching, the truth became quite clear to me: I was in the throes of a very deep existential crisis and Fleetwood Mac was to blame. I was horrified.

I equate the Fleetwood Mac concert to Constantine's dream at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge or World War I for pretty much every French novelist: it was the catalyst for a jarring reconfiguration of my own perspective on reality. All of my anticipation had been fully eclipsed by the reality of the experience. The magic of the moments inside that hallowed concert hall could never be recreated. My sky-high expectations had been shattered.

I had peaked. I was ruined.

I have not listened to Fleetwood in a fortnight. Archetypically speaking, I am not ready to face the music.

Let this be a cautionary tale to you. It is always good, nay, it is always necessary to have a dream. Your dream might be to meet the Dalai Lama or to cure cancer or to correctly determine what a sea monkey is exactly. Mine was to see Fleetwood Mac live in concert. But what happens after the dream is realized? Where does one go from there? This is something I must now grapple with, a new cross to bear.

The good news is this: the memories I have overshadow what seems to be my now rudderless ship. Like Stevie in the eye of a narcotic hurricane in 1976, I may be down but I'm far from out.

Don't call it a come back.

AHF

Alcoholics Asked for it, and Smatter of Fact Delivers

The Great D(eye)no(sore)

"If it is a miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a fact, proof is necessary"

~Mark Twain

(AP) "Proof." In a society that has departed almost entirely from the theocracy from which it was born and moved well into the "age of reason," what term carries more meaning? With it, OJ Simpson may well have avoided his recent prison sentence in favor of a much longer one. Without it, the entire mathematical curricula of high schools and colleges throughout the world would be irrelevant, rendering countless chalkboards empty and an entire section of the SAT stricken from the record.

So when I hear these outrageous citations of so called "proof" by my colleague that the existence of dinosaurs is provable on this publication, which carries the burden of proof within its title, I must make some effort to save the pride of this once glorious news source. I expected more than Gary Busey and phonetics in Ms. Fallon's attempt to convince me that the existence of dinosaurs could be reasonably proven by an indicidual, and here I am to settle the score: It is impossible for one to prove that dinosaurs existed.

For starters let me present the story dino-hard-enthusiasts have come up with: a group of cold-blooded reptiles of all shapes and colors roamed the earth millions of years ago and then bit the proverbial dust almost all at once, leaving us with nothing but there remains. The event which brought about the demise is not clear, but it wiped them all out 65 million years ago, a date known as the K-T boundary.

Now allow me to dissect these "facts"







Here you see two photos of rocks. "Thanks, Adam, I didn't realize those were rocks." "Hush, let me get to the point."

Which of these two photos depicts dinosaur bones? Exactly. So-called "dinosaur bones" are not bones, but rocks. When individuals stumble upon them unwittingly, they have rarely, if ever, identified them as fossils without the help of experts. Experts, the authorities we appoint to decide what is what in science based on a ratio of wall-space-taken-up-by-collegiate-degree : addiction to nasal spray.

In 1912 a group of experts unearthed what was thought to be the missing link in human evolution. In 1953 the Piltdown Man was exposed as a hoax. If a 40,000 yr old fossil can be forged before it has completely fossilized, how hard can it be to fake a dinosaur?

2.- This weekend in New York City, a 9-foot tall Dryosaurus failed to sell at auction, even for the expected $500K. Adjusting for inflation, he must have been worth roughly $0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
when he was supposedly alive. And you claim to honor these behemoths of yore? Tusk tusk(puns intended) Anne Fallon.

C) In the Jurassic Park series, the trilogy responsible for most of the corpus of prehistoric knowledge present in the average person, it is asserted that Velociraptors would have taken over the world, perhaps even created a civilization if time had allowed. Now it could be just me, but I just don't see how any quantity of intelligence in a cold-blooded species that needs several hours a day in the sun just to live can result in a dominant world culture. Laziness does not breed ingenuity.

Finally, I again cite my show business colleagues at Jurassic Park Studios. This time in the form of one phrase by Dr. Ian Malcolm, aptly played by Jeff Goldblum: "Life...uh...finds a way." How astute I must say, after all, Dinosaurs did give us birds, crocodiles, alligators, and apparently Geckos, right? WRONG. They went extinct. Didn't they? Isn't that what you're saying happened? Dinosaur evolution and extinction are a contradiction in terms. And you claim science stands by you.

"No way of thinking or doing, however ancient, can be trusted without proof"

~Henry David Thoreau

If Oprah’s Talking About It, We’re All Talking About It

The following report is brought to you by Becky Ramsay, S.O.F Entertainment News Correspondent. Ramsay is a Chicago-based writer, actor and avid student of celebrity smut. Her areas of expertise include how to look good at any age and everything your man wants to say but isn't telling you.

We heard the headlines, we saw the picture, and we were all ready to TiVo their performance at the Grammy’s, but you better buckle up and pay attention because this is only the beginning. We have met the Whitney and Bobby of our generation. Chris Brown and Rihanna are on the fast track to following in the footsteps of two of the biggest disasters the world has ever seen. Throw in a couple of addictions, a Bravo reality show, a tell-all Barbara Walters special, and you’re in Whitney and Bobby Town. Albeit, it is your prerogative to head down such a path, you better have a better exit strategy.

HRH Oprah has even taken it upon herself to get involved. Last week, with the help of (former) supermodel Tyra Banks, Oprah dedicated an entire show to the Chris Brown/ Rihanna incident, expanding on to the subject of teen violence in relationships. It there’s one thing we all know for sure: If Oprah’s talking about it, we’re all talking about it.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. How did we get here? Let us consider these facts that may or may not be loosely based on lives of Chris Brown and Rihanna. You know the drill: Small town girl with nothing but a penny in her pocket and a big voice to share has only her hopes and dreams to keep her warm at night. Blah, blah blah. Young southern boy rapper/dancer waits for his big break while his mother manages him out of their basement, both dealing with the deadbeat dad who sometimes “gets a little rough.” One good break after another and we’ve got two teens with success coming out their noses. A chance meeting at an MTV after party and sparks fly, records go platinum, and we’ve got a hot new item for the tabloids. “Rihanna and Chris Go Surfing!” “Chris and Rihanna Eat Pizza!” “Rihanna Shops For Her Man,” and so on… There’s just one little question: What are they going to do with all of that fame? Sooner or later, it’s going to get to you. Pressure to perform, pressure to sustain, the pressure to say "Cheese!” and look good while doing it. There’s only so much a person can take. And by person, I mean Chris Brown.

The rest is history. No one will ever really know what happened on the night of Sunday, February 8th 2009, other than bloody Coldplay winning the Grammy for album of the year. 19-year-old Chris Brown was charged with two felony counts for assault and making criminal threats. His case is due back in court on April 6 for his arraignment, at which time he could enter a plea. He has also already come out and apologized, claiming to be seeking counseling from his church and others. Brown even went as far as to withdraw his nominations from Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice awards, where he was nominated for Favorite Song and Favorite Male Actor. This is probably for the best. We wouldn’t want Brown loosing his cool on stage after getting slimmed by Dakota Fanning, who, I am sure, has enticed more than her fair share of people to punch her in the face.

The good news is Chris Brown and Rihanna aren’t married. The bad news is Chris Brown and Rihanna Aren’t married YET. I’m sure twenty years ago Whitney Houston was thinking the same thing. No one thinks they’ll marry the guy with the criminal record. Whitney probably also never thought the overwhelming and timeless success of her ballad “ I will Always Love You,” would eventually lead to her downfall, not only as a respected singer, but simply as a credible and sane human being. Again, there's only so much one person can take.

The difference is that Whitney got out. It took her some time and probably some serious detoxification, but she’s a survivor. She’s not currently planning on recording a duet with her allegedly abusive boyfriend about the trials and tribulations of love. Even she is not that crazy.

So Rihanna, I’ve just got one thing to say to you:

The proof is in the pudding. There is nothing alleged about those bruises on your face. Don’t go there. We’ve seen it all before. You don’t have to marry this guy, you don’t have to stand by your man, and you don’t have to sing any duets with Mariah Carey if you don’t want to. We’re here to back you up. You’ve got miles to go and we don’t want to be holding our breath for the premiere Lifetime original movie, SOS: Someone Help Me- The True Story of Rihanna and Chris Brown. Brown obviously being portrayed by the artist formerly known as L’il Bow Wow and you in your first self-titled debut role.

Look, this story isn’t going anywhere soon, and neither are we. In fact your headlines could probably only be trumped by a budding Lindsay Lohan /Miley Cyrus romance caught on tape. But in short, we’re here for you, girl. Come rain or shine, despite all that has been said and done- there will always be room for you under my umbrella, ella, ella, ey, ey, ey.